Thursday, 22 January 2009

Band... Not Brand.

I could be really cliché here and whine about the fact the music scene is no longer full of NOFX style bands and is now overflowing with 1000's of x-core bands and how much that fucking sucks. - OR – I could spend the article pissing and moaning about how shit it is being in a band and trying to get self centered people to come and see you play even though you don't have fringes... but I won't, because I have noticed something in alternative culture that pisses me off even more. 

Since when have logos belonging to some of the greatest punk bands of all time become a marketing tool for fashion companies? 

Once upon a time, I remember walking round in my fiend skull shirt and having no problem with that until every kid into the scene walked around in a pair of girls jeans, eyeliner and a tight misfits shirt. Now I wouldn't be caught dead in my misfits shirt anymore, I still Love the misfits I just hate what their fiend skull has become associated with. Part of me thinks I should just forget about it and do what I want, wear what I want and fuck everyone else. But the other half is so pissed off with how this band has been transformed into a brand that I should make a stand and not join in as a form of protest. 

I put money on it at least 40% of those people were wearing that shirt as a fashion statement. “oh look at me, aren't I so cool, I have this gnarly t-shirt with this cool skull on... I'm so scene it hurts!” It's just like some CHAV showing all his mates his new pair of Reebok Classics. Well to those guys I have this to say – Go and fuck yourself. STOP WEARING T-SHIRTS OF BANDS YOU DON'T LIKE JUST TO LOOK COOL, just cos you listed them on your myspace as one of your top 50,000 bands (just to earn so scene points) doesn't mean you should go on and spend all your money on kids size t-shirts. Its a band NOT a Brand you retards. Go Support bands you actually like and wear their shirts stop ruining it for everyone else you selfish bastards. But this is just my minor quibble with this situation. 

I'm more annoyed at the fact that now high-street clothes shops now stock skinny fit t-shirts sporting the Ramones logo. Now, the people that frequent these hell holes will have no fucking clue who the Ramones actually were and probably will have no idea that the logo they are about to buy belongs to a band at all. If I was in the Ramones I would be fucking spinning in my grave (or spinning in circles if I hadn't checked into the worm hotel yet) at the fact that my legacy has been turned into a low budget fashion statement for the city girl. FUCK THAT! 

A mate of mine told me a story about such a scenario. His mum is clued in to what bands he kinda likes and knows a bit about them. She goes to work one day and one of her co-workers shows up wearing her brand new Ramones tee. His mum says “My son likes them” The co-worker looks back puzzled “likes what?” “The Ramones” His mum replied. Puzzled again the co-worker replied “The Who?” and his mum once again says “The t-shirt your wearing is a Ramones T-shirt, They were a punk band back in the day, my son is a fan of them” The co-worker thinks for a sec and then says “is it, I just liked the picture on the front, you learn something new everyday” then she wandered off into the wilderness of the office. Nice to see that fashion companies have pissed all over everything that the Ramones ever did. FUCK YOU!

Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Christmas is dumb

As a Kid, I used to love Christmas* 

I used to "wake up" after excitedly pretending to sleep at like 5 am, leg it through to my mum's room, sit next to a skyscraper of presents wrapped in all different kinds of paper and ribbon and I would start ripping into those bad boys like boxing day was never coming** If it had been anymore perfect, the coke trucks that signify the start of the festive period would have smashed straight through the front of the house and santa himself would have got out and done a merry jig for our amusement. Now that's what I call Christmas.

Then I would spend all day fucking about with Lego or Scalectrix or something equally dumb. Sometimes; there was the festive quest for xmas gold, but instead of looking for treasure it was a mad dash for AA batteries, as my mum had a severe case of festive amnesia when it came to batteries. Then we would have to endure the family coming over, but this did in fact normally result in more presents, normally things like shower gel or something equally offensive*** 

Then the day would be capped off with a family meal which for me and my weird eating normally consisted of sausage meat and potato waffles. We would all pull crackers and read out the crappy jokes and play with the "toys" which were something every kid longs for such as a hair clip or nail clippers. Once that fiasco was over and done with we all went to the front room to sleep off dinner and there was also plenty of awesome TV like watching an old Superman Film or something. 

This year was not like this.

This year I realized a few things over christmas. First of all Christmas adverts are fucking ridiculous now. Once upon a time it was endless kids toys and pirate ships but now it is a fucking onslaught of idiotic, non-sensical perfume adverts followed by finance ads. Nothing says christmas like re-mortgaging your home. I also learned that a TV license over the christmas period is not worth the paper it is printed on. Christmas TV is practically criminal as it is shit like stuart little 2 or the fucking railway children. Contrary to public belief, not matter how many times you show the holiday children it is not going to get any better.

* which is surprising considering Rario got boxing gloves one year. I got a punch in the nose with said gloves.
** Of course it always does, and proceeds to bore us with even worse TV, horrible leftovers, xmas day hangovers and monotonous nothingness.
*** as far as I am aware, I do not have a severe body odor issue, stop giving me cleaning products at festive times. If this does not stop, I will ensure that I gain said BO problem and make you all suffer.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Education Sucks

All the way through my academic "career" I was told that if you go to school and work hard then you will end up with a kick ass job, an awesome car and shit loads of cash to spend on hookers and drugs.* Which would have been awesome if it was at all true. Education reminds me of a box of cereal which claims to have an awesome toy in it, but then you have to send of for it with tokens you have to cut out from the faggy box. Then it takes 28 days to show up and then is crap when you eventually get it. 

To date, my degree has not been worth the paper it is printed on** I have done jack shit with my degree... Actually thats not true, I can say I was probably the most educated dole scrounger in Rotherham*** but other than that my degree has got me nowhere and gained me nothing. I don't remember seeing that in the brochure. Study did not prepare me for this real world lark, It's only when I have been deemed to have learnt enough, that I realized I don't actually know anything.

The biggest wall I have encountered is experience. Everyone wants it, no one is willing to give you the opportunity to earn it. What a bunch of (oxy)morons**** How the hell am I supposed to get this experience when you give me a chance to earn it? Maybe I am supposed to add it to my Amazon wishlist or write a letter to Father Christmas. I may as well wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled first. Where the fuck does that leave me? No mans land... well a call centre to be precise, which are primarily the same thing. A call centre that doesn't care about me, it makes no difference to them if it is me that shows up or some other poor schmuck who needed a job. On the plus side, I do get to wear shorts to work in December.

I think my problem is that I was so half arsed with occasionally getting my fat ass out of bed to go to lessons and even when I got there I didn't really pay much attention and just let my mind wander, Although that is not really my fault - school was lame and boring. I'm just saying the could have made it a bit more entertaining, a class about boobs or something. 

* Which everyone knows is the key to happiness.
** Which according to my latest student loan statement is just over £12,000... Lame.
*** Which is like being the world's tallest midget, or the best PC in a state school IT lab.
**** Thats the kind of Oscar Wilde style word play you should expect from such an intellectual graduate such as myself.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

It is official. Women and Guitars aren't funny

This month I have re-discovered my love of stand up comedy. I can't quite remember when I lost it, but I am proper glad that I have it back. Some things I realized are that Ben Bailey's timing is outstanding, Aussie's love stereotypes and The more common and working class they are... the better. One thing I did realize is that whilst most comedians are funny there are 2 kind who definitively aren't; Women* and Guitar wielders**.

Women comedians are terrible. Actually that is a very sexist generalization, what I mean to say is all female comedians who aren't Sarah Silverman. They are all the same, they all have the same jokes and they all have one fatal flaw; they just aren't funny. The menstrual cycle just isn't that amusing*** I don't care about how women feel about things and I am yet to find a female stand up who is any good.

Guitar wielding comics are generally a bad sign too. No one cares about your whitty quips fit to a jaunty tune. I don't care if you did manage to fit the word clitoris into a song. If I wanted to listen to music, I would listen to a Fucking CD or go to a gig. Why on earth do these people exist. It can actually get worse that a strumming comic and that is 2  guitar loving comics, especially if they try and get clever and do harmonies and such. You may as well change the channel right now.

In light of this discovery, I feel somebody should give the booking agent of the world stand's up a quick nudge as he is obviously under the impression that I am wrong.

* Yes it is sexist. Get over it.
** This obviously excludes Bill Bailey, he is fantastic.
***Of course it is funny, just not when women talk about it.

Friday, 15 August 2008

Money talks... just not for long enough.

Money... the root of all evil*

Me personally I think money is awesome. It means I can buy stuff I don't need, worry about not having enough of it to live a decent life and basically there will come a day where I am going to be signing my life away to get more of it. It also means I have to get up every day and go to a job I am not too fond of to earn enough to get me through the next week and to have the luxury of eating and having somewhere to sleep.

Incase you hadn't worked it out, that previous paragraph was riddled with bitterness and sarcasm.** I have a love/hate relationship with money. I love having money and when I do have moeny, I am RECKLESS. I am the kind of person who will get £10 and within seconds I will have £0 and not have anything to show for it. I will have probably had a good time doing so. I love spending money on all the random crap that I don't need but then when I don't have money I hate the fact that I have to go and earn more. There is no worse feeling than being broke, I actually would rather have toothache than an empty wallet. My life will be complete when I manage to be in a position where I either; get a good job and earn more than £15,000 a year; inherite a lump sum or; con the government into giving me money***

The thing that winds me up most about money is that everyone I know always seems to have more of it than I do, I dunno why...Infact, I do know why; its because I am the anti-jew when it comes to finance or maybe the world hates me - either way, it sucks.

* Apparently, I would have thought evil was the root of all evil, but what do I know?

** What did you expect... I'm english, this is what we do - well that and invent sports and learn to be rubbish at them.

*** Probably not going to happen, I am neither foreign; a pregnant teenager or a moron with an IQ of 12. Therefor I am just white and middle class enough to be given the finger when it comes to benifits.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

I may look stupid, but I still don't believe a fucking word out of your lying rat mouth

Hi, my name is dan and I am a millionaire with a 12 foot cock and my IQ is 14 billion.*

Everyone knows a fucking idiot that comes out with some shit like this trying desperately to get you to somehow believe them. I know 3 or 4 people like this, and I won't name names but you know the type, the kind of idiot that lies directly to your face and you know they are lying, they know they are lying but yet they still say it. How stupid do you think I am? Not only do I have an IQ of 14 million and can see through your ridiculous claims but it is common knowledge that you tell more pork pies than a an insurance broker.

Fair enough, everyone exaggerates their stories, and I am particularly good at that, speak to me for more than 10 minutes I will probably tell you some story about my childhood that I will exaggerate certain aspects for comedic effect. Having said that, a cold faced lie is beyond me. How crap must your life be to decided to invent a new one in your head then spend most of your day lying through your teeth to try and convince people that you are not lying. Some other people do this for a living, they are called politicians**

The thing that grinds me about all this is that the lies get bigger and bigger, and eventually get out of hand and they will lie to their friends about having a terminal disease or getting raped or something else that the vast majority would be gutted by. What the fuck has happened in their life that they feel the need to lie about death and rape? scratch that, I don't care what happened, fuck off and stop lying about important things. You don't fuck about with other peoples emotions just because you feel like it.

These same people then inevitably get found out to be the lying rats they are and then they somehow decide that they are the victim, and that everyone else is lying. How stupid do you think I am? I have listened to you tell whopping great lies every day and then you accuse other people of lying. Wow I am convinced! you must be telling the truth as you are so well known for it.

In conclusion, I hate liars - grow up and if you cant think of anything truthful to say, then don't say anything at all.***

*Despite the fact this blog is about compulsive liars, this statement is completely true. I keep my money in my loft and my mum won't let me get it out, and I lost a leg when I was 12, I use my cock to keep balance, and I am much more cleverer than that Steven Hawkman.

** Or con-men as they are more widely known. I prefer the term bloodsucking parasitic cunts.

***come to think of it, just don't say anything ever. The world will thank you in the long run.

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

I may be fat, but you are a cunt.

YouTube is awesome, we all know that. If I wanna watch something, I tend to start at YouTube. Illegal uploads of copyrighted material... BAM! There it is. Amusing Re-dubs of old cartoons...BAM! People beating the shit out of each other... BAM! Random Shit that I stumble across whilst stoned and looking for funny stuff... BAM! You get the picture, right?

Anyway, one of the best things about YouTube is the comments board at the foot of each video, so people can let the world know their feelings about said video. What a great idea!!!* If you don't know this about me, I have a series of poker chip trick tutorial videos on YouTube and today I decided to wade through the messages and comments I have not been bothered to read as yet. Also, if you don't know this about me, I am also fat and loud mouthed. This means all the internet 'tards have something to call me out on. Fair enough, they have to kill there time in between jerking off and trying to count past 10. It's not like I am completely oblivious to the fact I am fat, I am quite aware and I really don't give a fuck if you think I am fat. I honestly think that some of these people think I haven't yet worked it out. So I just woke up one day and then it all dawned on me thanks to their comment on my video? I get comment's like this all the time:

a) shit music
b) ur a loser with too much time on ur hands
c) shit music
d) the knuckle roll? where r ur knuckles fatty?
e) maybe if u concentrated on playin poker u would know what to do with those chips other than dumb tricks 
- Hibsfan001

Just look at the state of that comment. It is fucking terrible. He couldn't be bothered to put his thoughts together in some sort of cohesive sentence so he just decided to list his thoughts. Alas, he couldn't even do that right, by the time he got to point 'C' he had run out of interesting things to say so he just decided to repeat point 'A' again. As if I didn't have the intelligence to look less than 2 centimeters above where I was reading to read the exact same point. 

He also has obviously never been to an educational facility of any sort of his life, you can tell this by the fact that his comment is completely devoid of any kind of grammar and punctuation. For fucks sake he can't even spell your correctly, he uses the text variation 'ur' but he also uses the same spelling for you're. Anyway I digress... Here was my response.

a) Who are You?
b) Why should I care what a tool like you thinks?
c) Thanks for pointing out an obvious floor in my appearance
, I bet it made you feel real important right?
d) My Knuckles are normally buried deep in your mothers cunt.
e) Do me a favour and Die... Thank you. 
- Me**

I felt I did myself justice. 

The point of all this rant is: If you are going to insult me, at least engage your brain before doing so***. 

* In Theory. In reality this doesn't work too well, it actually works out like you would expect it to when idiots are in the company of other idiots and they are given the freedom to spew whatever mindless drivel they want all over the comments boards.
** That's right, I just quoted myself, thats just how awesome I am.

***Also on a side note, can someone please think of a more interesting way of calling me fat? BE ORIGINAL DAMMIT!