Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Christmas is dumb

As a Kid, I used to love Christmas* 

I used to "wake up" after excitedly pretending to sleep at like 5 am, leg it through to my mum's room, sit next to a skyscraper of presents wrapped in all different kinds of paper and ribbon and I would start ripping into those bad boys like boxing day was never coming** If it had been anymore perfect, the coke trucks that signify the start of the festive period would have smashed straight through the front of the house and santa himself would have got out and done a merry jig for our amusement. Now that's what I call Christmas.

Then I would spend all day fucking about with Lego or Scalectrix or something equally dumb. Sometimes; there was the festive quest for xmas gold, but instead of looking for treasure it was a mad dash for AA batteries, as my mum had a severe case of festive amnesia when it came to batteries. Then we would have to endure the family coming over, but this did in fact normally result in more presents, normally things like shower gel or something equally offensive*** 

Then the day would be capped off with a family meal which for me and my weird eating normally consisted of sausage meat and potato waffles. We would all pull crackers and read out the crappy jokes and play with the "toys" which were something every kid longs for such as a hair clip or nail clippers. Once that fiasco was over and done with we all went to the front room to sleep off dinner and there was also plenty of awesome TV like watching an old Superman Film or something. 

This year was not like this.

This year I realized a few things over christmas. First of all Christmas adverts are fucking ridiculous now. Once upon a time it was endless kids toys and pirate ships but now it is a fucking onslaught of idiotic, non-sensical perfume adverts followed by finance ads. Nothing says christmas like re-mortgaging your home. I also learned that a TV license over the christmas period is not worth the paper it is printed on. Christmas TV is practically criminal as it is shit like stuart little 2 or the fucking railway children. Contrary to public belief, not matter how many times you show the holiday children it is not going to get any better.

* which is surprising considering Rario got boxing gloves one year. I got a punch in the nose with said gloves.
** Of course it always does, and proceeds to bore us with even worse TV, horrible leftovers, xmas day hangovers and monotonous nothingness.
*** as far as I am aware, I do not have a severe body odor issue, stop giving me cleaning products at festive times. If this does not stop, I will ensure that I gain said BO problem and make you all suffer.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Education Sucks

All the way through my academic "career" I was told that if you go to school and work hard then you will end up with a kick ass job, an awesome car and shit loads of cash to spend on hookers and drugs.* Which would have been awesome if it was at all true. Education reminds me of a box of cereal which claims to have an awesome toy in it, but then you have to send of for it with tokens you have to cut out from the faggy box. Then it takes 28 days to show up and then is crap when you eventually get it. 

To date, my degree has not been worth the paper it is printed on** I have done jack shit with my degree... Actually thats not true, I can say I was probably the most educated dole scrounger in Rotherham*** but other than that my degree has got me nowhere and gained me nothing. I don't remember seeing that in the brochure. Study did not prepare me for this real world lark, It's only when I have been deemed to have learnt enough, that I realized I don't actually know anything.

The biggest wall I have encountered is experience. Everyone wants it, no one is willing to give you the opportunity to earn it. What a bunch of (oxy)morons**** How the hell am I supposed to get this experience when you give me a chance to earn it? Maybe I am supposed to add it to my Amazon wishlist or write a letter to Father Christmas. I may as well wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled first. Where the fuck does that leave me? No mans land... well a call centre to be precise, which are primarily the same thing. A call centre that doesn't care about me, it makes no difference to them if it is me that shows up or some other poor schmuck who needed a job. On the plus side, I do get to wear shorts to work in December.

I think my problem is that I was so half arsed with occasionally getting my fat ass out of bed to go to lessons and even when I got there I didn't really pay much attention and just let my mind wander, Although that is not really my fault - school was lame and boring. I'm just saying the could have made it a bit more entertaining, a class about boobs or something. 

* Which everyone knows is the key to happiness.
** Which according to my latest student loan statement is just over £12,000... Lame.
*** Which is like being the world's tallest midget, or the best PC in a state school IT lab.
**** Thats the kind of Oscar Wilde style word play you should expect from such an intellectual graduate such as myself.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

It is official. Women and Guitars aren't funny

This month I have re-discovered my love of stand up comedy. I can't quite remember when I lost it, but I am proper glad that I have it back. Some things I realized are that Ben Bailey's timing is outstanding, Aussie's love stereotypes and The more common and working class they are... the better. One thing I did realize is that whilst most comedians are funny there are 2 kind who definitively aren't; Women* and Guitar wielders**.

Women comedians are terrible. Actually that is a very sexist generalization, what I mean to say is all female comedians who aren't Sarah Silverman. They are all the same, they all have the same jokes and they all have one fatal flaw; they just aren't funny. The menstrual cycle just isn't that amusing*** I don't care about how women feel about things and I am yet to find a female stand up who is any good.

Guitar wielding comics are generally a bad sign too. No one cares about your whitty quips fit to a jaunty tune. I don't care if you did manage to fit the word clitoris into a song. If I wanted to listen to music, I would listen to a Fucking CD or go to a gig. Why on earth do these people exist. It can actually get worse that a strumming comic and that is 2  guitar loving comics, especially if they try and get clever and do harmonies and such. You may as well change the channel right now.

In light of this discovery, I feel somebody should give the booking agent of the world stand's up a quick nudge as he is obviously under the impression that I am wrong.

* Yes it is sexist. Get over it.
** This obviously excludes Bill Bailey, he is fantastic.
***Of course it is funny, just not when women talk about it.

Friday, 15 August 2008

Money talks... just not for long enough.

Money... the root of all evil*

Me personally I think money is awesome. It means I can buy stuff I don't need, worry about not having enough of it to live a decent life and basically there will come a day where I am going to be signing my life away to get more of it. It also means I have to get up every day and go to a job I am not too fond of to earn enough to get me through the next week and to have the luxury of eating and having somewhere to sleep.

Incase you hadn't worked it out, that previous paragraph was riddled with bitterness and sarcasm.** I have a love/hate relationship with money. I love having money and when I do have moeny, I am RECKLESS. I am the kind of person who will get £10 and within seconds I will have £0 and not have anything to show for it. I will have probably had a good time doing so. I love spending money on all the random crap that I don't need but then when I don't have money I hate the fact that I have to go and earn more. There is no worse feeling than being broke, I actually would rather have toothache than an empty wallet. My life will be complete when I manage to be in a position where I either; get a good job and earn more than £15,000 a year; inherite a lump sum or; con the government into giving me money***

The thing that winds me up most about money is that everyone I know always seems to have more of it than I do, I dunno why...Infact, I do know why; its because I am the anti-jew when it comes to finance or maybe the world hates me - either way, it sucks.

* Apparently, I would have thought evil was the root of all evil, but what do I know?

** What did you expect... I'm english, this is what we do - well that and invent sports and learn to be rubbish at them.

*** Probably not going to happen, I am neither foreign; a pregnant teenager or a moron with an IQ of 12. Therefor I am just white and middle class enough to be given the finger when it comes to benifits.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

I may look stupid, but I still don't believe a fucking word out of your lying rat mouth

Hi, my name is dan and I am a millionaire with a 12 foot cock and my IQ is 14 billion.*

Everyone knows a fucking idiot that comes out with some shit like this trying desperately to get you to somehow believe them. I know 3 or 4 people like this, and I won't name names but you know the type, the kind of idiot that lies directly to your face and you know they are lying, they know they are lying but yet they still say it. How stupid do you think I am? Not only do I have an IQ of 14 million and can see through your ridiculous claims but it is common knowledge that you tell more pork pies than a an insurance broker.

Fair enough, everyone exaggerates their stories, and I am particularly good at that, speak to me for more than 10 minutes I will probably tell you some story about my childhood that I will exaggerate certain aspects for comedic effect. Having said that, a cold faced lie is beyond me. How crap must your life be to decided to invent a new one in your head then spend most of your day lying through your teeth to try and convince people that you are not lying. Some other people do this for a living, they are called politicians**

The thing that grinds me about all this is that the lies get bigger and bigger, and eventually get out of hand and they will lie to their friends about having a terminal disease or getting raped or something else that the vast majority would be gutted by. What the fuck has happened in their life that they feel the need to lie about death and rape? scratch that, I don't care what happened, fuck off and stop lying about important things. You don't fuck about with other peoples emotions just because you feel like it.

These same people then inevitably get found out to be the lying rats they are and then they somehow decide that they are the victim, and that everyone else is lying. How stupid do you think I am? I have listened to you tell whopping great lies every day and then you accuse other people of lying. Wow I am convinced! you must be telling the truth as you are so well known for it.

In conclusion, I hate liars - grow up and if you cant think of anything truthful to say, then don't say anything at all.***

*Despite the fact this blog is about compulsive liars, this statement is completely true. I keep my money in my loft and my mum won't let me get it out, and I lost a leg when I was 12, I use my cock to keep balance, and I am much more cleverer than that Steven Hawkman.

** Or con-men as they are more widely known. I prefer the term bloodsucking parasitic cunts.

***come to think of it, just don't say anything ever. The world will thank you in the long run.

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

I may be fat, but you are a cunt.

YouTube is awesome, we all know that. If I wanna watch something, I tend to start at YouTube. Illegal uploads of copyrighted material... BAM! There it is. Amusing Re-dubs of old cartoons...BAM! People beating the shit out of each other... BAM! Random Shit that I stumble across whilst stoned and looking for funny stuff... BAM! You get the picture, right?

Anyway, one of the best things about YouTube is the comments board at the foot of each video, so people can let the world know their feelings about said video. What a great idea!!!* If you don't know this about me, I have a series of poker chip trick tutorial videos on YouTube and today I decided to wade through the messages and comments I have not been bothered to read as yet. Also, if you don't know this about me, I am also fat and loud mouthed. This means all the internet 'tards have something to call me out on. Fair enough, they have to kill there time in between jerking off and trying to count past 10. It's not like I am completely oblivious to the fact I am fat, I am quite aware and I really don't give a fuck if you think I am fat. I honestly think that some of these people think I haven't yet worked it out. So I just woke up one day and then it all dawned on me thanks to their comment on my video? I get comment's like this all the time:

a) shit music
b) ur a loser with too much time on ur hands
c) shit music
d) the knuckle roll? where r ur knuckles fatty?
e) maybe if u concentrated on playin poker u would know what to do with those chips other than dumb tricks 
- Hibsfan001

Just look at the state of that comment. It is fucking terrible. He couldn't be bothered to put his thoughts together in some sort of cohesive sentence so he just decided to list his thoughts. Alas, he couldn't even do that right, by the time he got to point 'C' he had run out of interesting things to say so he just decided to repeat point 'A' again. As if I didn't have the intelligence to look less than 2 centimeters above where I was reading to read the exact same point. 

He also has obviously never been to an educational facility of any sort of his life, you can tell this by the fact that his comment is completely devoid of any kind of grammar and punctuation. For fucks sake he can't even spell your correctly, he uses the text variation 'ur' but he also uses the same spelling for you're. Anyway I digress... Here was my response.

a) Who are You?
b) Why should I care what a tool like you thinks?
c) Thanks for pointing out an obvious floor in my appearance
, I bet it made you feel real important right?
d) My Knuckles are normally buried deep in your mothers cunt.
e) Do me a favour and Die... Thank you. 
- Me**

I felt I did myself justice. 

The point of all this rant is: If you are going to insult me, at least engage your brain before doing so***. 

* In Theory. In reality this doesn't work too well, it actually works out like you would expect it to when idiots are in the company of other idiots and they are given the freedom to spew whatever mindless drivel they want all over the comments boards.
** That's right, I just quoted myself, thats just how awesome I am.

***Also on a side note, can someone please think of a more interesting way of calling me fat? BE ORIGINAL DAMMIT!

Thursday, 24 July 2008

Racism... The Victimless Crime... other than all those victims of racism.

First of all, I am a racist. My cards are on the table for all to see. Then again who isn't a racist? The answer is no-one. Seriously, everyone is a racist and if you can't admit that, then you are a racist.*

Don't get me wrong, I am not a proper racist like the fuck-tards you see on nazi skinhead films. I wouldn't go and beat someone up because of the color of their skin - primarily because I am not hard enough to beat people up and would generally get my cracker ass kicked and secondly I am incredibly lazy and there aren't many wimpy guys from different cultural backgrounds within the range of my fist at most times. Therefor I don't ever act on racist impulses.

Having reeled of that disclaimer, I am a racist... but in a nice way. I like the fact that people are different and those differences can be funny at times. I like the fact that all black people love chicken and watermelon, all chinese people look alike and all asians are taxi drivers. These stereotypes are what make the world go round. It's not my fault that all of those statements are 100% true, it's theirs. It's my fault that I think racism is funny.

There are so many plus points for racism, far too many for me to invent and list right now. As with everything there is also a downside, and racism is no different.

The worst part about racism is being a young, middle class, white male. Seriously we have been racist for ages so all the other ethnicities hate us. We are the race that is known for being racist. Which i guess is a decent thing to have on the white race CV. Secondly, We have used all our insults too much and now they have very little effect** meaning we look like unoriginal idiots when arguing with people from other cultures. Finally we are open to get leathered. I mean what is so great about being white? Not a lot is the short answer*** At least black guys all have huge dicks and all jews are rich. What is good about being white, we used to own the world but then we gave it back a bit at a time. 

You know what else sucks about being white, you never get to play the race card. Theoretically, if I went out and beat the shit out of some muslim, it would be a hate crime. The same muslim was to kick the shit out of me it would just be assault. Now that is fucking lame! Is hate exclusive to the white man? Can a muslim not hate? Can a jew not hate? I'm pretty sure they can between all the oppression of women and counting of their money respectfully.

Finally to sum up this incoherent rambling I will leave you with a quote of one of the best cartoon characters of all time:

"Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him! So we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things" - Zapp Brannigan

Well it's not all bad being white, I guess I should be thankful as it could be much worse... I could be french.

*Did you see that? I made my argument water tight with that comment! Outstanding.

** Like the N word. See I am white so I am not allowed to say it even though I invented it (racially).

*** Other than sitcoms, good sitcoms I mean. Imagine the opposite of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. All the bad sitcoms were invented by black people. Ask them!

Mr. Dork Knight, how did you get so popular?


The only emotion I feel today, well other than the obvious ones like hunger* and boredom. Today I am gutted as the Dark Knight came out today, I have been looking forward to this for ages. Batman Begins is fucking awesome and they build up to the new one has been awesome. I absolutely love the Joker as a character and Heath Ledger has done a fucking awesome job playing him. After driving like a maniac whilst talking to coxon on my mobile, wasting nearly 20 minutes trying to park in what must be the world's most retarded car park. To make matters worse the car park was filled with twice as many cars as it was designed for only to find out I was too late, all the remaining 4 showings had sold out. 

This cinema boasts the 2 of the biggest theaters/screens in europe seating around 500 people with showings every 30 minutes and it was sold out. How many people like batman now? Let's do the maths. 

4 showings x 500 seats = 2000 people.

As if 2000 people in Sheffield alone like Batman. It must be because nerds are cool now. It is unthinkable that I couldn't get a ticket. Now I know what you are thinking, why didn't I just book in advance? Well the reason is that I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK THAT FAR AHEAD... DID I? but that is besides the point, my point is:

When the hell did comic book films become the most popular thing ever? I remember 10 years ago, you told someone you liked comics like Batman and Spiderman and people would look at you as if you had just sucked off a man**, but now you can't even get bloody near... well I don't mind telling you its a bloody disgrace.

* Is hunger actually an emotion? Who the fuck cares.
** Trust me, I know what that facial expression looks like

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

Fuck Hollywood, Fuck it in its stupid fucking asshole

Do you ever get the feeling that Hollywood just isn't trying anymore?* I certainly do. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the film industry, I like films and I enjoy the film as a means ofentertainment. I have a fairly substantial film collection on DVD and I have a list of favourite films larger than my own inflated ego. I have a subscription at my local cinema and in 2007 I saw about 80% of all the films that came out**

Still, I can't help but feel that Hollywood are now releasing any old garbage to make a quick buck. I'm sorry hollywood, but get the lead out. Go back to the drawing board and start releasing decent films again. I really don't care about 90% of the films that are the upcoming releases list. I remember when Hollywood churned out good films, great action films, hilarious comedies and Nerd-tastic epics like Lord of the Rings. Now all we have to look forward to is awesome films like four christmases.

The last time I went to the cinema, there was a trailer for a film called "Donkey Punch***" A film named after a retarded sexual act. it then proceeded to bore me to death with a plot outline that was obviously invented when the idea barrel had been well and truly emptied writing the next "date movie" type film. Seriously this film looks so weak it's not even funny. It is a typical horror / slasher film... YAWN. Scream was OK, I know what you did last summer was mediocre at best and Hostel is the worst film of all time. All this begs the question: Why do we still get this shit rammed down our throats?

It has got to the point where the only films I get excited about have either Seth Rogan or Will Ferrell in them. This is the normal reaction to such a film but I also like other films too. I wanted to get excited by more than one film each year, is that too much to ask? Apparently so... Until then here's to the next romantic comedy that will inevitably bore the shit out of you in a cinema nearby.

* If you answered no, just go and look at the trailers at your local cinema. You will soon realise that Hollywood doesn't care for you or what you like.

** Obviously I didn't go and see any bollywood films or chick flicks. I am not stupid.

*** For those of you not in the know, a donkey punch is a sexual practice that involves punching a woman in the ass during intercourse. Not sure why, but it is amusing none the less.

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

The Internet is AWESOME!


I have the internet again at my new house in sheffield. I never realized how addicted to the internet I was until I couldn't actually use it. No YouTube, No Facebook, No Myspace, No Email, No Redtube, No News*, No online banking, No shopping for cheap shit on eBay. Now I know how cripples/amputees must feel as I felt disabled... Turns out I do far too much online - But now all is well again!

I wonder what the world was like before the internet? In the dark times I would have had to actually leave my house to talk to my friends** I would have to have to go to dodgy back alley XXX video shops to see filthy porn, I would have actually had to go to a cash machine to check my bank balance, buy a newspaper to find out what happened in the world and I would actually have to go to a shop to buy stuff. It's Unthinkable! I don't have the attention span to do any of that stuff unless I can do it via a mouse click.

The only thing that sucks about the internet*** is that when you order the internet you have to wait for the delivery of your equipment. The only thing that sucks about deliveries**** is that the generally deliver in the morning time. I am not a morning person and I have a habit of sleeping through the 10 minutes of door banging. In an effort to receive the equipment on time I left this note in the window.

"Dear Home Delivery Network/BT Broadband,

If I don't answer the door, please call me on [insert mobile number here]... I am in today, I'm just really crap at hearing the door / getting up. 

P.S. attention potential burglars, I will hear you, so don't even bother trying to rob me."

I literally have no idea what has happened in the world until about 20 minutes ago.
** Although my mates are awesome, I reckon if I had to leave my house to talk to them I would not be friends with many people.
*** Other than all the spam you have to wade through on a daily basis.
**** Other than everything about deliveries. This statement just sucks the most.

Friday, 27 June 2008

Things I have learned from working in a call centre

Today is a good day.

I am happy because I have finally finished work for a week. 7 Glorious days of not having to get up and go work and talk to jerks on the phone. I have a week off whilst I move out of my mother's house into a house with some awesome mates. Its a sign you really hate your job when it makes you happy that you don't have to go to work, even if its only for a week. 

Speaking of hating BT...

Today I learned, through trolling random internet forums at work, that lots of people really fucking hate BT. I don't really blame them, BT is pretty lame but I read post after post by random people shitting bricks over BT about everything and anything. Fair enough BT isn't great, scratch that, they are fucking rubbish, but still it isn't as bad as these dicks made it out to be.

I have no sympathy for any of the people complaining about their problems*. There will be a common theme with all of them, All of them will have been a complete dick on the phone when dealing with us call advisors. People ring us up and give us an earful of shit and when we offer to help we get greeted with snide remarks and offensive language. These same people wonder why the people in the call centre they are being cunts to aren't bending over backwards to help them... SHOCK HORROR! it's because you are a douche.

A typical example of what I mean - Last month I was called an idiot by an unemployed wretch from a council estate in liverpool. First of all that is the kettle calling the pot black, some dougtard that can barely string together a cohesive sentence calling me an idiot. Second of all I have a degree so he can fuck off**. 

The best thing these people do is ring up to tell us that they are a loyal customer and demand free stuff for the obvious trauma BT has caused. In their heads they honestly feel like they are more important that all the other customers that are having the same problem and then say things like:

"If this situation isn't resolved to my satisfaction I am going to take my business elsewhere" - Generic Customer of BT

Oh please Mr. Customer, please don't take your precious custom elsewhere. How would I ever get through the day without idiots like you to argue with over the phone. If you leave I don't think this multi-billion pound company will be able to cope with losing £20 a month from you. It may go under and I would be out of a job. Please sir! my job is on the line!!! PPPLLEEEEAAAASSSEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

These same customers always think they are so clever too. They always turn out to be some 40 year old balding man from the east midlands who runs a business from his spare bedroom. He really thinks he is the shit because he understands WI-FI and VOIP. It gets really amusing when they do things like cancel their direct debits out of spite because their email address didn't receive email for a day***. Well they think they are clever until they realise they are in breach of contract and have to pay shit loads in cancellation fees.

In conclusion; the general UK public are idiots.

* It's true, I really don't. It's a good quality to have working in a call centre. The ability to not care gets me through the day.
** Guess what else... That's correct - He got fuck all help!
*** which apparently is a hell worthy tresspass.

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Snakes: The slippery shits of the animal kingdom

This blog is all about snakes. Snakes are rubbish. There I said it, and I meant every little bit of it. They are glorified belts that think they are clever because they can poison you or crush your skull or whatever it is that snakes do with their spare time. But seriously, snakes are pretty crap... Slithery, scaley little fuckers that are the closest thing the animal kingdom has to a flacid penis like animal, that actually are greedy enough to eat other animals such as hippos, crocodiles and other snakes. When I asked my brother what he thought about snakes he retorted:

Snakes? They are wank. They just sit their coiled up all day doing fuck all. - Rario Hewitt

The only saving grace these little shits have is their name. Their name is pretty good - it sounds a bit like snack and the best game ever Snakes* (and by extension motor-way snakes**, both of which are better than the game birds***)

Thats it for tonight, would have probably gone better if bottom wasn't on TV...

* A game where you wear a hooded sweat shirt, pull the hood over your head but leave your ears poking out thus creating a snake like appearance. See Above Pic.

** Playing Snakes, But on the side of the motor-way when your car brakes down because you put far too much oil in the engine and your waiting with fil because he is an RAC member and I'm not.

*** Birds is a game that involves 2 players, P1 is the mother bird and P2 is the baby bird. The game consists of the mother bird chewing, swallowing and regurgitating the food ready to feed to the baby bird, via force if necessary. According to the games creator, Rario says it is awesome... I did not agree.