Tuesday, 29 July 2008

I may be fat, but you are a cunt.

YouTube is awesome, we all know that. If I wanna watch something, I tend to start at YouTube. Illegal uploads of copyrighted material... BAM! There it is. Amusing Re-dubs of old cartoons...BAM! People beating the shit out of each other... BAM! Random Shit that I stumble across whilst stoned and looking for funny stuff... BAM! You get the picture, right?

Anyway, one of the best things about YouTube is the comments board at the foot of each video, so people can let the world know their feelings about said video. What a great idea!!!* If you don't know this about me, I have a series of poker chip trick tutorial videos on YouTube and today I decided to wade through the messages and comments I have not been bothered to read as yet. Also, if you don't know this about me, I am also fat and loud mouthed. This means all the internet 'tards have something to call me out on. Fair enough, they have to kill there time in between jerking off and trying to count past 10. It's not like I am completely oblivious to the fact I am fat, I am quite aware and I really don't give a fuck if you think I am fat. I honestly think that some of these people think I haven't yet worked it out. So I just woke up one day and then it all dawned on me thanks to their comment on my video? I get comment's like this all the time:

a) shit music
b) ur a loser with too much time on ur hands
c) shit music
d) the knuckle roll? where r ur knuckles fatty?
e) maybe if u concentrated on playin poker u would know what to do with those chips other than dumb tricks 
- Hibsfan001

Just look at the state of that comment. It is fucking terrible. He couldn't be bothered to put his thoughts together in some sort of cohesive sentence so he just decided to list his thoughts. Alas, he couldn't even do that right, by the time he got to point 'C' he had run out of interesting things to say so he just decided to repeat point 'A' again. As if I didn't have the intelligence to look less than 2 centimeters above where I was reading to read the exact same point. 

He also has obviously never been to an educational facility of any sort of his life, you can tell this by the fact that his comment is completely devoid of any kind of grammar and punctuation. For fucks sake he can't even spell your correctly, he uses the text variation 'ur' but he also uses the same spelling for you're. Anyway I digress... Here was my response.

a) Who are You?
b) Why should I care what a tool like you thinks?
c) Thanks for pointing out an obvious floor in my appearance
, I bet it made you feel real important right?
d) My Knuckles are normally buried deep in your mothers cunt.
e) Do me a favour and Die... Thank you. 
- Me**

I felt I did myself justice. 

The point of all this rant is: If you are going to insult me, at least engage your brain before doing so***. 

* In Theory. In reality this doesn't work too well, it actually works out like you would expect it to when idiots are in the company of other idiots and they are given the freedom to spew whatever mindless drivel they want all over the comments boards.
** That's right, I just quoted myself, thats just how awesome I am.

***Also on a side note, can someone please think of a more interesting way of calling me fat? BE ORIGINAL DAMMIT!

Thursday, 24 July 2008

Racism... The Victimless Crime... other than all those victims of racism.

First of all, I am a racist. My cards are on the table for all to see. Then again who isn't a racist? The answer is no-one. Seriously, everyone is a racist and if you can't admit that, then you are a racist.*

Don't get me wrong, I am not a proper racist like the fuck-tards you see on nazi skinhead films. I wouldn't go and beat someone up because of the color of their skin - primarily because I am not hard enough to beat people up and would generally get my cracker ass kicked and secondly I am incredibly lazy and there aren't many wimpy guys from different cultural backgrounds within the range of my fist at most times. Therefor I don't ever act on racist impulses.

Having reeled of that disclaimer, I am a racist... but in a nice way. I like the fact that people are different and those differences can be funny at times. I like the fact that all black people love chicken and watermelon, all chinese people look alike and all asians are taxi drivers. These stereotypes are what make the world go round. It's not my fault that all of those statements are 100% true, it's theirs. It's my fault that I think racism is funny.

There are so many plus points for racism, far too many for me to invent and list right now. As with everything there is also a downside, and racism is no different.

The worst part about racism is being a young, middle class, white male. Seriously we have been racist for ages so all the other ethnicities hate us. We are the race that is known for being racist. Which i guess is a decent thing to have on the white race CV. Secondly, We have used all our insults too much and now they have very little effect** meaning we look like unoriginal idiots when arguing with people from other cultures. Finally we are open to get leathered. I mean what is so great about being white? Not a lot is the short answer*** At least black guys all have huge dicks and all jews are rich. What is good about being white, we used to own the world but then we gave it back a bit at a time. 

You know what else sucks about being white, you never get to play the race card. Theoretically, if I went out and beat the shit out of some muslim, it would be a hate crime. The same muslim was to kick the shit out of me it would just be assault. Now that is fucking lame! Is hate exclusive to the white man? Can a muslim not hate? Can a jew not hate? I'm pretty sure they can between all the oppression of women and counting of their money respectfully.

Finally to sum up this incoherent rambling I will leave you with a quote of one of the best cartoon characters of all time:

"Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him! So we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things" - Zapp Brannigan

Well it's not all bad being white, I guess I should be thankful as it could be much worse... I could be french.

*Did you see that? I made my argument water tight with that comment! Outstanding.

** Like the N word. See I am white so I am not allowed to say it even though I invented it (racially).

*** Other than sitcoms, good sitcoms I mean. Imagine the opposite of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. All the bad sitcoms were invented by black people. Ask them!

Mr. Dork Knight, how did you get so popular?


The only emotion I feel today, well other than the obvious ones like hunger* and boredom. Today I am gutted as the Dark Knight came out today, I have been looking forward to this for ages. Batman Begins is fucking awesome and they build up to the new one has been awesome. I absolutely love the Joker as a character and Heath Ledger has done a fucking awesome job playing him. After driving like a maniac whilst talking to coxon on my mobile, wasting nearly 20 minutes trying to park in what must be the world's most retarded car park. To make matters worse the car park was filled with twice as many cars as it was designed for only to find out I was too late, all the remaining 4 showings had sold out. 

This cinema boasts the 2 of the biggest theaters/screens in europe seating around 500 people with showings every 30 minutes and it was sold out. How many people like batman now? Let's do the maths. 

4 showings x 500 seats = 2000 people.

As if 2000 people in Sheffield alone like Batman. It must be because nerds are cool now. It is unthinkable that I couldn't get a ticket. Now I know what you are thinking, why didn't I just book in advance? Well the reason is that I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK THAT FAR AHEAD... DID I? but that is besides the point, my point is:

When the hell did comic book films become the most popular thing ever? I remember 10 years ago, you told someone you liked comics like Batman and Spiderman and people would look at you as if you had just sucked off a man**, but now you can't even get bloody near... well I don't mind telling you its a bloody disgrace.

* Is hunger actually an emotion? Who the fuck cares.
** Trust me, I know what that facial expression looks like

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

Fuck Hollywood, Fuck it in its stupid fucking asshole

Do you ever get the feeling that Hollywood just isn't trying anymore?* I certainly do. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the film industry, I like films and I enjoy the film as a means ofentertainment. I have a fairly substantial film collection on DVD and I have a list of favourite films larger than my own inflated ego. I have a subscription at my local cinema and in 2007 I saw about 80% of all the films that came out**

Still, I can't help but feel that Hollywood are now releasing any old garbage to make a quick buck. I'm sorry hollywood, but get the lead out. Go back to the drawing board and start releasing decent films again. I really don't care about 90% of the films that are the upcoming releases list. I remember when Hollywood churned out good films, great action films, hilarious comedies and Nerd-tastic epics like Lord of the Rings. Now all we have to look forward to is awesome films like four christmases.

The last time I went to the cinema, there was a trailer for a film called "Donkey Punch***" A film named after a retarded sexual act. it then proceeded to bore me to death with a plot outline that was obviously invented when the idea barrel had been well and truly emptied writing the next "date movie" type film. Seriously this film looks so weak it's not even funny. It is a typical horror / slasher film... YAWN. Scream was OK, I know what you did last summer was mediocre at best and Hostel is the worst film of all time. All this begs the question: Why do we still get this shit rammed down our throats?

It has got to the point where the only films I get excited about have either Seth Rogan or Will Ferrell in them. This is the normal reaction to such a film but I also like other films too. I wanted to get excited by more than one film each year, is that too much to ask? Apparently so... Until then here's to the next romantic comedy that will inevitably bore the shit out of you in a cinema nearby.

* If you answered no, just go and look at the trailers at your local cinema. You will soon realise that Hollywood doesn't care for you or what you like.

** Obviously I didn't go and see any bollywood films or chick flicks. I am not stupid.

*** For those of you not in the know, a donkey punch is a sexual practice that involves punching a woman in the ass during intercourse. Not sure why, but it is amusing none the less.

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

The Internet is AWESOME!


I have the internet again at my new house in sheffield. I never realized how addicted to the internet I was until I couldn't actually use it. No YouTube, No Facebook, No Myspace, No Email, No Redtube, No News*, No online banking, No shopping for cheap shit on eBay. Now I know how cripples/amputees must feel as I felt disabled... Turns out I do far too much online - But now all is well again!

I wonder what the world was like before the internet? In the dark times I would have had to actually leave my house to talk to my friends** I would have to have to go to dodgy back alley XXX video shops to see filthy porn, I would have actually had to go to a cash machine to check my bank balance, buy a newspaper to find out what happened in the world and I would actually have to go to a shop to buy stuff. It's Unthinkable! I don't have the attention span to do any of that stuff unless I can do it via a mouse click.

The only thing that sucks about the internet*** is that when you order the internet you have to wait for the delivery of your equipment. The only thing that sucks about deliveries**** is that the generally deliver in the morning time. I am not a morning person and I have a habit of sleeping through the 10 minutes of door banging. In an effort to receive the equipment on time I left this note in the window.

"Dear Home Delivery Network/BT Broadband,

If I don't answer the door, please call me on [insert mobile number here]... I am in today, I'm just really crap at hearing the door / getting up. 

P.S. attention potential burglars, I will hear you, so don't even bother trying to rob me."

I literally have no idea what has happened in the world until about 20 minutes ago.
** Although my mates are awesome, I reckon if I had to leave my house to talk to them I would not be friends with many people.
*** Other than all the spam you have to wade through on a daily basis.
**** Other than everything about deliveries. This statement just sucks the most.