Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Education Sucks

All the way through my academic "career" I was told that if you go to school and work hard then you will end up with a kick ass job, an awesome car and shit loads of cash to spend on hookers and drugs.* Which would have been awesome if it was at all true. Education reminds me of a box of cereal which claims to have an awesome toy in it, but then you have to send of for it with tokens you have to cut out from the faggy box. Then it takes 28 days to show up and then is crap when you eventually get it. 

To date, my degree has not been worth the paper it is printed on** I have done jack shit with my degree... Actually thats not true, I can say I was probably the most educated dole scrounger in Rotherham*** but other than that my degree has got me nowhere and gained me nothing. I don't remember seeing that in the brochure. Study did not prepare me for this real world lark, It's only when I have been deemed to have learnt enough, that I realized I don't actually know anything.

The biggest wall I have encountered is experience. Everyone wants it, no one is willing to give you the opportunity to earn it. What a bunch of (oxy)morons**** How the hell am I supposed to get this experience when you give me a chance to earn it? Maybe I am supposed to add it to my Amazon wishlist or write a letter to Father Christmas. I may as well wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled first. Where the fuck does that leave me? No mans land... well a call centre to be precise, which are primarily the same thing. A call centre that doesn't care about me, it makes no difference to them if it is me that shows up or some other poor schmuck who needed a job. On the plus side, I do get to wear shorts to work in December.

I think my problem is that I was so half arsed with occasionally getting my fat ass out of bed to go to lessons and even when I got there I didn't really pay much attention and just let my mind wander, Although that is not really my fault - school was lame and boring. I'm just saying the could have made it a bit more entertaining, a class about boobs or something. 

* Which everyone knows is the key to happiness.
** Which according to my latest student loan statement is just over £12,000... Lame.
*** Which is like being the world's tallest midget, or the best PC in a state school IT lab.
**** Thats the kind of Oscar Wilde style word play you should expect from such an intellectual graduate such as myself.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

It is official. Women and Guitars aren't funny

This month I have re-discovered my love of stand up comedy. I can't quite remember when I lost it, but I am proper glad that I have it back. Some things I realized are that Ben Bailey's timing is outstanding, Aussie's love stereotypes and The more common and working class they are... the better. One thing I did realize is that whilst most comedians are funny there are 2 kind who definitively aren't; Women* and Guitar wielders**.

Women comedians are terrible. Actually that is a very sexist generalization, what I mean to say is all female comedians who aren't Sarah Silverman. They are all the same, they all have the same jokes and they all have one fatal flaw; they just aren't funny. The menstrual cycle just isn't that amusing*** I don't care about how women feel about things and I am yet to find a female stand up who is any good.

Guitar wielding comics are generally a bad sign too. No one cares about your whitty quips fit to a jaunty tune. I don't care if you did manage to fit the word clitoris into a song. If I wanted to listen to music, I would listen to a Fucking CD or go to a gig. Why on earth do these people exist. It can actually get worse that a strumming comic and that is 2  guitar loving comics, especially if they try and get clever and do harmonies and such. You may as well change the channel right now.

In light of this discovery, I feel somebody should give the booking agent of the world stand's up a quick nudge as he is obviously under the impression that I am wrong.

* Yes it is sexist. Get over it.
** This obviously excludes Bill Bailey, he is fantastic.
***Of course it is funny, just not when women talk about it.