Thursday, 24 July 2008

Racism... The Victimless Crime... other than all those victims of racism.

First of all, I am a racist. My cards are on the table for all to see. Then again who isn't a racist? The answer is no-one. Seriously, everyone is a racist and if you can't admit that, then you are a racist.*

Don't get me wrong, I am not a proper racist like the fuck-tards you see on nazi skinhead films. I wouldn't go and beat someone up because of the color of their skin - primarily because I am not hard enough to beat people up and would generally get my cracker ass kicked and secondly I am incredibly lazy and there aren't many wimpy guys from different cultural backgrounds within the range of my fist at most times. Therefor I don't ever act on racist impulses.

Having reeled of that disclaimer, I am a racist... but in a nice way. I like the fact that people are different and those differences can be funny at times. I like the fact that all black people love chicken and watermelon, all chinese people look alike and all asians are taxi drivers. These stereotypes are what make the world go round. It's not my fault that all of those statements are 100% true, it's theirs. It's my fault that I think racism is funny.

There are so many plus points for racism, far too many for me to invent and list right now. As with everything there is also a downside, and racism is no different.

The worst part about racism is being a young, middle class, white male. Seriously we have been racist for ages so all the other ethnicities hate us. We are the race that is known for being racist. Which i guess is a decent thing to have on the white race CV. Secondly, We have used all our insults too much and now they have very little effect** meaning we look like unoriginal idiots when arguing with people from other cultures. Finally we are open to get leathered. I mean what is so great about being white? Not a lot is the short answer*** At least black guys all have huge dicks and all jews are rich. What is good about being white, we used to own the world but then we gave it back a bit at a time. 

You know what else sucks about being white, you never get to play the race card. Theoretically, if I went out and beat the shit out of some muslim, it would be a hate crime. The same muslim was to kick the shit out of me it would just be assault. Now that is fucking lame! Is hate exclusive to the white man? Can a muslim not hate? Can a jew not hate? I'm pretty sure they can between all the oppression of women and counting of their money respectfully.

Finally to sum up this incoherent rambling I will leave you with a quote of one of the best cartoon characters of all time:

"Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him! So we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things" - Zapp Brannigan

Well it's not all bad being white, I guess I should be thankful as it could be much worse... I could be french.

*Did you see that? I made my argument water tight with that comment! Outstanding.

** Like the N word. See I am white so I am not allowed to say it even though I invented it (racially).

*** Other than sitcoms, good sitcoms I mean. Imagine the opposite of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. All the bad sitcoms were invented by black people. Ask them!

Mr. Dork Knight, how did you get so popular?


The only emotion I feel today, well other than the obvious ones like hunger* and boredom. Today I am gutted as the Dark Knight came out today, I have been looking forward to this for ages. Batman Begins is fucking awesome and they build up to the new one has been awesome. I absolutely love the Joker as a character and Heath Ledger has done a fucking awesome job playing him. After driving like a maniac whilst talking to coxon on my mobile, wasting nearly 20 minutes trying to park in what must be the world's most retarded car park. To make matters worse the car park was filled with twice as many cars as it was designed for only to find out I was too late, all the remaining 4 showings had sold out. 

This cinema boasts the 2 of the biggest theaters/screens in europe seating around 500 people with showings every 30 minutes and it was sold out. How many people like batman now? Let's do the maths. 

4 showings x 500 seats = 2000 people.

As if 2000 people in Sheffield alone like Batman. It must be because nerds are cool now. It is unthinkable that I couldn't get a ticket. Now I know what you are thinking, why didn't I just book in advance? Well the reason is that I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK THAT FAR AHEAD... DID I? but that is besides the point, my point is:

When the hell did comic book films become the most popular thing ever? I remember 10 years ago, you told someone you liked comics like Batman and Spiderman and people would look at you as if you had just sucked off a man**, but now you can't even get bloody near... well I don't mind telling you its a bloody disgrace.

* Is hunger actually an emotion? Who the fuck cares.
** Trust me, I know what that facial expression looks like