Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Christmas is dumb

As a Kid, I used to love Christmas* 

I used to "wake up" after excitedly pretending to sleep at like 5 am, leg it through to my mum's room, sit next to a skyscraper of presents wrapped in all different kinds of paper and ribbon and I would start ripping into those bad boys like boxing day was never coming** If it had been anymore perfect, the coke trucks that signify the start of the festive period would have smashed straight through the front of the house and santa himself would have got out and done a merry jig for our amusement. Now that's what I call Christmas.

Then I would spend all day fucking about with Lego or Scalectrix or something equally dumb. Sometimes; there was the festive quest for xmas gold, but instead of looking for treasure it was a mad dash for AA batteries, as my mum had a severe case of festive amnesia when it came to batteries. Then we would have to endure the family coming over, but this did in fact normally result in more presents, normally things like shower gel or something equally offensive*** 

Then the day would be capped off with a family meal which for me and my weird eating normally consisted of sausage meat and potato waffles. We would all pull crackers and read out the crappy jokes and play with the "toys" which were something every kid longs for such as a hair clip or nail clippers. Once that fiasco was over and done with we all went to the front room to sleep off dinner and there was also plenty of awesome TV like watching an old Superman Film or something. 

This year was not like this.

This year I realized a few things over christmas. First of all Christmas adverts are fucking ridiculous now. Once upon a time it was endless kids toys and pirate ships but now it is a fucking onslaught of idiotic, non-sensical perfume adverts followed by finance ads. Nothing says christmas like re-mortgaging your home. I also learned that a TV license over the christmas period is not worth the paper it is printed on. Christmas TV is practically criminal as it is shit like stuart little 2 or the fucking railway children. Contrary to public belief, not matter how many times you show the holiday children it is not going to get any better.

* which is surprising considering Rario got boxing gloves one year. I got a punch in the nose with said gloves.
** Of course it always does, and proceeds to bore us with even worse TV, horrible leftovers, xmas day hangovers and monotonous nothingness.
*** as far as I am aware, I do not have a severe body odor issue, stop giving me cleaning products at festive times. If this does not stop, I will ensure that I gain said BO problem and make you all suffer.